The Orange County Register
How to cope with the holidays after a loved one has died
Mayrav Saar

There is no Christmas tree in the Castillo home this year. No festive lights adorn the house. The kids' handmade ornaments are still in storage.

Sandy Castillo would just as soon ignore the holidays, but she is making a few concessions to the season: She and her husband, Al, and their son, Aaron, bought tinsel and candy canes, a small tree and some flowers to decorate her daughter, Julie Castillo's, grave.

The vibrant 20-year-old loved Christmas. She would spend weeks planning each gift for every one of her nine cousins, her parents, her friends, her aunts, her uncles, and - most importantly, the kid brother she babied.

So the happy-sappy holiday specials on TV, the Christmas songs at the mall and the lights in the neighborhood all seem to conspire against the Castillo family this month. Julie should be here with them, forcing Mom to put up the tree in their Placentia home, strewing lights across the walls of her bedroom.

Instead, the family is struggling to cope with their loss. Julie died three short months ago, on Sept. 27, after a car accident.

With its emphasis on joy and family, the holiday season can be a time of profound darkness for people who are already grappling with depression. This is particularly true for those who are facing their first holiday season without a loved one.

"From a psychological perspective, we remember this as a time of year when the families get together," said Dr. Jerry Maguire, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, Irvine. "For those people who are alone, it reminds them that they are alone."

Even if a mourner spends the holidays with extended family, the loss can seem magnified at this time of year.

"Within the extended family, you're identified as the husband, the wife, the mother, the father. It's identifying what you've lost in that relationship," Maguire said.

To help get through the holidays, it is important, psychiatrists, clergy and bereavement experts say, to surround yourself with people and participate in events. Even if you just want to throw the covers over your head and hide.

Julie wouldn't have wanted her parents and brother to shrink from parties and gatherings. She was too happy, too spirited, to put up with glumness. They'll get together with the rest of their family, like they always do. Sandy and Al Castillo will even continue their search for a Sony PlayStation 2, the gift Julie had planned to get for Aaron, 17.

It won't be the same, but Sandy Castillo knows it's something she has to do.

"I lost the dream of my child, of her wedding, of ... " Castillo's voice trailed off into tears. "You have to find different dreams. I don't have dreams right now, I'm just trying to make it through the day. But putting your head in the sand is not going to change what happened."

As those trying to avoid Christmas and Hanukkah know, the holidays are an inescapable part of life. They come with traditions that, even uninvited, permeate the month: the television specials, the movies, the decorations on homes and in store windows.

"We are bombarded in the media with these images of perfect, happy family gatherings during the holidays. It's very easy to feel sorry for yourself," said Debbie Gisonni, author of "Vita's Will: Real Life Lessons About Life, Death and Moving On."

"You have to remember that there's no such thing as a perfect life."

Gisonni lost her sister, mother, father and favorite aunt in the course of four years, starting with her sister's suicide in 1990. She said psychotherapy helped put her family's catastrophes into perspective. After all, in 1984, when Gisonni's mother, Vita, was first diagnosed with a brain tumor, the space shuttle Challenger blew up.

"If (the astronaut's loved ones) can survive that, then I can survive the six-week holiday season," said the San Francisco-based author. "If you just open your eyes, you see that things could be a lot worse. It gives you a perspective that you don't normally have."

It took a few years for Gisonni to come to that conclusion. For the Castillo family, it is too soon. But psychologists said that it is important for the family to acknowledge that the immense sadness will one day lessen.

"It's healthy to mourn. But you want to make sure there's not a clinical depression - affecting sleep, appetite, energy," Maguire said. "If so, medications may be in order. Without clinical depression, simple coping mechanisms could work. Instead of spending the holidays at home, for instance, go to your kids' house or spend time with friends."

Sandy Castillo said her friends and family have helped "keep her busy." And decorating the grave has given the family something they can do for Julie, to bring her memory closer.

"I was talking to a woman today. It turns out her son died five years ago. I asked, 'Does it get better?' She said, 'No.' When they die, they take a piece of your heart," Sandy Castillo said. "Your whole life changes."

The woman told Castillo that her friends have started telling her to "get over it."

But one of the worse things you can do is deny your feelings, said Rabbi Johanna Hershenson of Temple Beth-El in Aliso Viejo.

"People think, 'What's the matter with me that I still feel this way?'" Hershenson said. "It's a sad time. I wouldn't pretend that it's not."

So the Castillo family will meet with friends and family this Christmas, they will exchange presents and participate in as much of the holiday as feels right.

"We're still going to my grandma's house this year, but it's going to be different. I can't explain it," Aaron said before falling silent.

Dec 20, 2000