Palm Beach Post
Experiencing grief during the holidays?
Chris Hutchins, Palm Beach Post Staff Writer
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| "I realized that I had learned a lot about death, but also about life," Gisonni explains. "I never realized that, while it was happening. |
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The holiday season is about living, and giving. It's not supposed to be about tears and loss.
But it is. For some. Debbie Gisonni knows all about that. From 1990 to 1994, the California resident dealt with the illnesses and deaths of four of her dearest family members. It was a maddening, saddening time.
Her sister committed suicide. Her father and aunt died of cancer. Her mother, Vita, held on the longest. She died in '94, years after a debilitating surgery to remove a brain tumor.
Loss had won, momentarily. But the experiences shaped Gisonni, and taught her some things.
"I realized that I had learned a lot about death, but also about life," Gisonni explains. "I never realized that, while it was happening. But years later, as I sat down to write, I began to see all that I had learned."
What she wrote was Vita's Will, a new book (iUniverse.com, $13.95) about the pain and loss of those four years.
Gisonni knows that dealing with sick or recently deceased relatives is hard -- especially during the holiday season. So The Post asked her to share some of her coping techniques.
Do something: While your friends are at holiday parties, you may be visiting a sick loved one, or mourning a death. But don't wallow in self-pity, Gisonni says. Do something productive. "Instead of just sitting there (during the visit), why not bring a movie or read a book to them?" she says. "Have a diversion. We need to give our minds, our emotions, a break sometime."
Talk about it: When tragedy strikes, people withdraw from others just at the time they need others the most. Gisonni urges the bereaved to talk to others, even strangers at the hospital, about their loss. "It makes you feel less alone," Gisonni says. "It really does help."
Be thankful: "It's a difficult concept to grasp, when you're dealing with loss or illness," Gisonni says, "but it's important to focus on the positive. . . . There's something to be thankful for in every single day. It could be a phone call from a friend, or a delicious meal. The holidays are a time to cherish and appreciate all that we have."
Keep the faith: While Gisonni doesn't consider herself a religious person, she believes in a godly force in the universe and prays to it. "It makes us feel not alone," she says. "It was my prayers that kept me calm during the most tragic times in my life. . . . I wasn't afraid to ask for help."
Admit your emotions: There were times during her mother's illness when Gisonni was just tired of visiting her. It was taxing; it was frustrating; she felt helpless and hopeless. "It's OK to feel those things, to feel overwhelmed," Gisonni explains. "You have to be honest with your emotions. You're not perfect."
Do not blame: But while you're "not perfect," you cannot voice those emotions to your sick loved one, Gisonni says. The illness is not her fault. "Think about the other person. Think about how they must feel," she says. "You may hate to visit for an hour or two -- but imagine having to live in a hospital. Put yourself in their shoes; you'll snap out of any self-pity then."
Try to let go: If you're mourning over a death during the holiday, know that the person would want you to get on with your life, Gisonni says. "You have to forgive yourself," she says. "For some people, you will never get the answers you're looking for. You must realize that you can't help the person in this lifetime anymore. But you can help yourself."
Dec 21, 2000 |
